Category: Let's talk
Hi!
I am ready for the fur to fly, but I'm sticking my neck out here anyway.
November is National Novel Writing month, and my protagonist is a blind woman. There are flashbacks to her teenage years where she sees the inequality shown to her in contrast to her sighted siblings. Her parents love her, but they aren't quite sure what to do with her (it's early; forgive the bluntness). Obviously, the point of view is based on how she thinks/feels at the time...
I was an only child with parents who, while not perfect, didn't have opportunity to show favoritism or "not know" what to do with me, so I would really like some input. If this is too personal for someone to post on the boards, please PM me; I would appreciate any assistance.
Kate
I am the youngest of three girls, and the only blind child. I don't think I was particularly sheltered. I was in swimming, gymnastics, girl scouts, and if you can believe it, archery class. My older sister and I played a lot together as kids. I had sighted peers all through school. However, my parents did make it clear to me at a pretty young age that I would need to learn to do things on my own. I wasn't exempt from any household chores (my sisters would disagree I'm sure). I was taught to be organized, and to do things in a way that worked best for me. They made it very clear that they wouldn't always be around to help me. I was expected to well in school, and my mom fought really hard to make sure I was on an equal playing field. When I got to high school, I was allowed to go out with my friends on the weekends. I was in band for the first couple years, and Spanish club.
When I got to college, my parents stayed out of my academic affirs for the most part. They figured I was an adult, and could handle professors on my own. They helped me settle into my apartment when i finally moved out. They have pretty much been supportive of my professional goals. I actually come from a pretty dysfunctional family. We dealt with all kinds of family drama. But despite all that, my parents have always believed in me, and wanted the best for me.
Wow! Thanks for the input
I have spent time with blind people whose parents do everything for them, from laundry to dishes, and it has always gotten under my skin...
Oh I hate that. There's no reason a blind person, with a little adapting, can't do those things. I do laundry and dishes all the time. It's really easy. If you can't see colors, just label clothes. I can't believe how many blind adults out there have never learned these things. I'm not trying to sound harsh. I know not everyone had my upbringing. I wouldn't have things any other way. Especially when I moved out, I was glad I could handle all the household stuff. Now, I like a clean house, and try to keep things organized. I know this is from my parents drilling it into my head from a young age. Did you like being an only child? I'm sure it had its advantages and disadvantages.
Being an only child was good in a lot of ways - there was only one child for my mom to emotionally mess up - but it was very lonely. Even though I had lots of friends, I never had to learn the social skills of sharing space with someone who wasn't an authority figure. Thankfully, I had roommates at camp, and friends who would come during the summer, so I was able to get a crash course in that in my teens. It made having a roommate and later a husband not so difficult in that regard.
As for labeling clothes, I've never done that, but I know which of my shirts are white or not, so it isn't a big deal to me
Wow, you seem pretty well-adjusted. I had to share a room with each sister at one point of my childhood. That definitely got annoying. I was glad when my oldest sister moved out, and I could finally have my own room. There's so many ways to get creative with household chores!
Thanks very much. I still sometimes get greedy with space, but that's okay... I've learned to roll with it. LOL
I wish my mom had taught me more about cooking; she would get exasperated that it would take too long and just did whateer herself. In my teens especially this really knocked down my confidence in the kitchen. THankfully my Dad is a great cook so he'd show me a few things or recommend cool new ingredients when I went over to his house
I wasn't going to contribute to this board at first, but I figured why not.
My mother did treat me like a blind child. She never had much confidence in me as far as things like cooking, picking out my own clothes and doing laundry and other household chores, and at fourteen, when I told my mother I wanted to run on my high schools track team, she told me that was impossible. I ran on the track team just to prove her wrong. I enjoyed some of it, but will never do it again. My senior year of high school, I asked my teacher consultant to come into my home to teach me how to cook and do the household chores I didn't know how to do e.g., laundry. She did an excellent job; I've been complimented so many times for my skills and techniques for cooking, cleaning and labeling.
But anyway, my mother tried to show me how to make French toast once, and because she is so impulsive, it did not turn out well. She didn't think about what she was doing before she did it, and I ended up burning one of my fingers.
My mother also use to exempt me from household chores besides putting away the dishes until my TC came into our home, and she saw that I could do things like clean the bathroom and vacuum.
My father has believed that I could do whatever I put my mind to from the get-go, although when I was younger, he didn't allow me to spend the night at friends' houses because he had this fear one or both of my prostheses would pop out.
If you want anymore info or have questions for me that might help out with your book, just pm or e-mail me, or if you want to do a phone interview I'm willing to do that too.
I hope this last post gives you some insight for your book. To the last poster, I'm glad you took matters into your own hands and decided to learn how to take care of yourself.
I will add the following to this:
I don't think it's good at all to swing the other way either, where every little thing is about not being blind this, not looking blind that ... naturally there are things within reason but when one goes extreme, the result is an indifferent, if well-witted, offspring.
On the up side, I was five of ten, so there wasn't any odd stuff like some of you all talk about: we all just did things, which is how I've ended up raising my daughter, where it's no big deal.
I think this was my mother, especially, who twas made very afraid if I was ever around another blind person I would turn out a slacker, or any number of other things you may find in a conspiracy theory leaflet at a truck stop. I found out later much of it was her interpretation of the leaflet called the Magazine for Parents of Blind Children: Odd, because if one is pragmatic, equal is equal, not carrying extra or terrified of the sky falling.
Anyway as a kid I think all I thought of that was it was so much noise: you never saw another blind person, mostly you just heard stories that amounted to, again, truck stop leaflet material. Knowing what I know of first-generation immigrants and the integration attempts, I wrote all of it off as an attempt at integrating. I never had to go to a segregated school, only went to one summer work experience camp they called it, not really a camp: you lived at a dorm and went to work among other things. What sixteen-year-old boy doesn't want extra cash?
I also took care of my brother who had a kind of muscular dystrophe through my teenage years. While it precluded me from extracurricular activities (actually most of us couldn't do those: imagine trying to pay for ten kids' extracurriculars ...) I guess I've always been an innovator / lived by my wits, so just figured out ways around things. Ironically, growing up around extremes has given me a really really good eye for such things. My daughter's life has been very different from what I had, and that has been by design.
My situation is a lot like BLW's. I too am the youngest of three girls. My Dad was pretty overprotective, but that got better as I got older. Thank God for my Mom, my Grandpa on her side of the family, and even my step-dad. Mom did have the same expectations of me that she had of my sighted sisters. I too was expected to perform equally in school, and thank God I was mainstreamed the entire way through it. I was not allowed to get away with any of the blindisms that so many blind children are. I was taught the social norms of society, and expected to behave as such. I did not meet other blind kids till I was about 16, and although I turned out to like having the support of blind peers, I am grateful that I was surrounded by the sighted world throughout my childhood. The few times Mom did get overprotective, there was other family to step in and remind her to let me try new things, do things on my own, etc.
I was not taught many of the skills I should have been, but that was not because of my blindness. my parents divorced when I was young, leaving Mom the single mother of three girls. All three of us were not taught a lot of the essential skills like cooking, household chores, managing money, etc. Mom worked full time, and when she came home, it was just easier and faster for her to do all those things herself, than trying to teach all of us to do them. It was a disservice to all three of us in the long run, though I understand why and how it happened. All three of us have had to learn the hard way once we grew up and moved out.
When I was in high school, I did meet a totally blind woman who was about ten years older than me. She was engaged to be married, and living on her own. Like me, she was raised in the sighted world, and was very independent. She became my first and most important blind friend and mentor. I actually went and stayed with her for a few weeks over one summer, so she could start to teach me some of the skills I was not getting at home.
Ironically, I was raised to be independent, but when I got older and started exercising said independence in travel and other ways, that's when my family began freaking out. Kind of weird, but that's what happened. Smile. but they are used to it now.
I think my dad always wondered if I could manage a household on my own. I did a lot of the cleaning when I lived at home. But, when I moved out, he remarked on how "tidy" my house was. I think that was his way of letting me know that he knew I'd do okay.
I'm not much for people so after I lost my sight I pushed everyone away. I wanted to do it all myself. I've taught myself a lot of what I know, and friends have taught me the rest. I'm about to move in my own apartment in a few weeks, and I'm so excited to finally be going away from my crazy fucked up family that has caused more problems for me than good. My family is selfish and nothing but drama...
As to fathers and daughters, I make that mistake all the time and my wife doesn't nag or anything but constant reminder ... it's not sexist either, because I want my daughter to do as well as she can, I dunno why it is, because mothers and sons don't do that, but unless I'm watching myself very carefully I'll do it: "That's ok baby I'll get it for ya ... " stuff like that, stuff that'd drive some of you all nuts. It would be called some of them agency words if my daughter were blind, but she's fully sighted.
Not excusing it or nothin' I completely suck in this area, and I grew up in a family where people pulled their own load. So go figure. Tryin' to get better about that stuff but still.
The blind thing is an issue though: when I went to work at McDonald's when I was in college, some of my family was really taken aback, others thought I was trying to prove something. Nope, just tryin' to pay the bills, cover books costs and stuff. No I didn't work in the front or the grill, just washed dishes, worked in the freezers, cleaned equipment and stuff. So yes, I'm sure some of the overprotective thing by a father was due to being blind, but we dads basically suck in that area, blind, sighted or whatever.
I do believe that people automaticly treat the blind slightly differently. Oh, they mean well, it's just a habbit.
I think you are correct on that one, Margorp. Most of us will get treated differently on some level. It's just a matter of degrees.
I've always wondered why that is.
You wonder what? Why we get treated differently? Because, like it or not, we are, in fact, different. We are a minority, definitely not what is considered the norm. Most minorities get treated differently in some way or other, and we are no exception. It's not right, but it does happen.
In my oppinion, it's very sad when a blind child grows up, and cannot handle even the simplest of tasks. I've observed situations where a blind man in his twenties cannot even lift a bucket of ice because it is heavy. Or, a blind person in his/her twenties is so afraid of the stove he/she is frozen at the possibility of cooking. While I do understand that every person is different, and one must do what works for them. I can't help but wonder what must these parents be thinking? In my book, blindness does not equal helplessness.
I've to agree with post 19 entirely.
my parents treated me ok. but not as equal to their sighted kids. they always give preference to them.
while I was small, I feel a lots about it. and now, my dad passed away but still my mom is giving preference to my yelder bro who's a sighted.
Luckily, I'm not with them now. I'm leading my life as my own. even though I dono cooking, I can manage all the rest.
Raaj.
OK, I'm just gonna say something on this topic kuz after a while I looked at it and figured it was pretty interesting, and it kinda applies to me too.
I'm blessed to have an understanding and completely not ignorant mother. My dad ... well, he ain't exactly ignorant, but I think he's always underestimated what I can do just kuz I can't see very good. I ain't completely blind, but I can't drive very often, and I can't read small print. I wasn't very helpful around the house at first, before I turned 13 that is, but that ain't because of my disability. My sister didn't do shit either. lol, at that time we lived with just our mom and grandma, but when I turned 13, me my mom and my sister all moved in with my dad, who believe's in kids helping around the house and doing chores. I was taught to do everything my mom and grandma and even my dad thought I couldn't do, like using braille lables to wash and dry clothes, cook, and do the dish washing. I also vacumed and what not.
After a while, they decided that I was a hell of a lot more independent than they figured before. I was also a rebel child, unfortunately, and their only V.I kid turned out to be the kid that was getting in the most trouble. But that's beside the point, what's important is that I was a normal teenager, and they saw that. I did my work, hung out with friends, kissed boys at the movies, and got extra chores for getting caught. :)
There's a very vague telling of my story.
Jessie
Well for all the rumble tumble and looney extremist stuff, I'm glad I came out with me wits. Resourcefulness is one of the most important life skill.
Teardrop, I've seen the kind of things you described, too. It angers me, and makes me sad. I never realized just how common that was, and how incredibly
fortunate I was, until I worked at my state rehab agency in the summer of 2003. As I've done more work and volunteering dealing with blindness, I realize
it all the more. The worst thing is when you try to teach blind youth, for example, the most basic of skills. But you know that as soon as they go home,
it's all going to go out the window, because Mom and Dad will just take right back over.
You said you don't know what parents are thinking. I think I might know at least one line of logic, as explained to me by a mother I tried to talk to.
It seems that some parents feel guilty, like it is their fault that their kid is blind. So, they try to make up for it by doing as much as they can for
them. It's a terrible disservice to the kid, who will become a helpless adult one day when the parents are no longer around, but these parents seem to
be thinking in the short-term, not years down the road. I've also heard a parent say that they know their kid already has to have it so hard as a blind
person, that they only want to make things as easy for them as possible. Again, a very short-term and bad logic, because all they are going to do is make
it hard when that child becomes an adult.
That sounds like a very bad situation indeed. It seems the extremes produce stunted results in many cases. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you said they are thinking short term and using bad logic.
Yet again, deeply devoted to the idea of something, regardless of what's really going on - they can see someone competent and capable like you offering to give their kid a hand up.
One cannot help but resort to head scratching when it comes to some such parents.
This is an excellent topic. I was not sheltered but definitely hindered from the more advanced things that would have made life easier. Mom was a neat-freak alcoholic who was big on appearance not substance.I fought for everything I could understand how to ask for. When your dad is a lecherous ddrinking pipe-fitter and your little brother can do no wrong you can't wait to escape. Oh I was in girl scouts did youth retreats went skiing camping hiking and fishing. I still love those things. But when you don't know the most basic things about yourself because your trying to keep on the smile the clean room and the good grades there's no room for you or real friendship. I'm still slowly repairing the dammage. I've see the sheltered blind kids too and it makes me sad. I always thank my lucky stars for the good my folks did do. When it comes to organizing I still suck but that's attitude issues more than anything. I've been working through the utter dispair that falls on me when I try to clean something. Everything I could not see was pounded in to my head when I didn't meet her standards. It takes on all shades. I hope you have gotten a nice variety of experiences to come up with a good charicter. Tiffany
Oh and when you want to make other people happy you become an inabler for there's and your own bad habbits. It's an awful thing when to the people your family know your independent smart and capable and you do your best to live up to that fact. The kicker though comes when the mask is off and your family tells you your nothing and can do nothing for yourself or other people and it's never good enough no matter how hard you try.
That sucks.
I don't think my parents have excepted I am blind and may lose my eyes one they, it's unthinkable I won't have my eyes at one point for them, and it's always can Rachel ever see again? is there a cure? and to a point my parents did shelter me, until fifteen they wouldn't let me ride transportation by myself but again neither would they for my sister. but when I moved in here they wanted to buy all the containers for me and set up the whole room there way for me, and etc.... etc...... there's other stuff too, but hmmm....
Wow that's tough for sure